So I’m sicker than a dog today, and so I’m staying home again…at least i think I am, my work hasn’t called me back yet. Yesterday I stayed home, and was actually really productive. I decided that I was going to sit down and write the essay that I’ve been attempting to complete for the last month or so, and finish it if it KILLED me…turns out it didn’t kill me, and I DID, in fact, finish it. Actually, I started over, and wrote it from start to finish. It is much better than any of my other attempts.

You know, since I divorced myspace, I have been enjoying the internet a lot more…I feel like I am not attached to any drama anymore. It feels good. So, thanks, Chris Kalani (and jessa) for encouraging me to do the right thing.

It looks like my tuesdays are going to be tied up the whole month of November. I decided I am going to take some figure drawing classes in Portland at the “Hipbone” studio. I am really stoked. It is $38 a session, Tuesdays from 6:30-9:30 pm….It will be good, and hopefully some of the work that I come out with I will be able to use in my portfolio for Parson’s.

YIPPIE!!! Speaking of Parson’s, I’ve been talking to this girl named Frances who goes to parson’s, and has been really helpful in answering some questions I’ve had about the school. Gosh, I am so excited to see whether or not I get accepted…and if I do, then it’s off to the other side of the country for me!!! I will miss all of you guys tho….lots….

So, I had a long thought with myself yesterday…and there were some things that I finally came to terms with. Have you ever discovered that you have put someone on such a high a pedestal for so long? And it turns out that it wasn’t even the person, but more the idea of them that you had built up in your mind that you decided nothing else could rival well, you probably haven’t, but that’s ok….It was kind of a refreshing notion, that this person that I had placed so high, was just a normal person.  And the other thing that I realized, is that what makes another person exceptional (suchas the person you end up marrying) is not that they are a god or anything, just a regular person who simply cares about you as much as you care about them, and someone who compliments your characteristics/strengths&weaknesses. That’s what makes them special and sets them apart from the rest.

Also, last night, I was looking at old photos, and I was looking at ones of my mom who died when i was 8. It’s kind of weird, because I was so sad and missing her, and wishing so bad that I could see her, and get to know her. Since I was only 8 when she died, I don’t remember a lot about her, and it’s just kind of weird to grow up missing a big part of who you are and where you came from. I miss her so much. Seems kinda weird since it was over 13 years ago…but, I think when you lose someone, that never really goes away.

I’m not trying to be melodramatic, it just is what it is.

But as I was looking through pictures, I did find this funny thing:

Remember this picture of my first time at moulten? Well, I found where that face originally started…uncanny, isn’t it?

What an awkward transitioning time in my life.  It’s a weird thing, but, I just feel like I don’t quite fit in right now…well, not really that I don’t fit in, but, kind of like when you were a kid and you had a pair of shoes that you loved, and were your favorites, but as time goes on, you started growing out of them, and you wore them until you absolutely could not wear them any more. That is how I feel right now, everything I am going through feels so awkward. What once fit one year ago, is now starting to feel too small and uncomfortable, but at the same time it is hard for me to leave it behind, and go on into what feels like the obiss, nothingness, the edge of a cliff.  Like  now being the older single sister, not really having much of a purpose here in Vancouver anymore, i mean, yeah, I have my friends but, it’s just getting to be that time…what is here for me anymore?  Last year it was a brand new adventure, something for me to conquer, and now, I am just working, and living, and it seems pretty obvious that things are drying up, and it is time for me to move on and make a life for myself, on my own, as an individual.  It’s strange, but although I am surrounded by people, I feel very alone.  And, when I go to New York, I will be even more alone.  It seems like all my securities have left me, I don’t have anyone to hold onto. It’s so scary. I’ve exhausted everything that is familiar, and so all that is left now is the unknown…I guess this is where it’s just me and God. It looks like he’s gonna be my only companion for awhile, so I guess I should get to know him better….

“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.  It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.”

Philippians 4:6-7

Well, tonight I decided not to hang out, and have the night to myself. And, I’ve actually enjoyed myself a lot. First, I went to the gym and worked out, I am going back to doing that weight lifting plan that I did last spring. I figured out that I mostly gained back all the weight that I lost. Now, before you go on thinking “oh brother, sarah, you are so obsessed, you look fine”, I have something to say, I know I look good in my clothes, and even 1/2 decent in my skivvies but, my pants are fitting tighter and tighter, and I don’t like them to be so skin tight, I want them to be comfy, plus I am starting to realize that I am so much more satisfied with myself and content when I am exercising on a regular basis. It seems so simple, but tonight, I was realizing that no one is holding me back from getting in shape except for myself. Like, I could be a toothpick if I wanted, and the only one getting between me and that would be myself. Now, of course, I want to be healthy and that is kind of an extreme case scenario, but the point is, I can do anything I want, I just have to conquer myself, and do it! I am extremely capable of just about anything….
anythewho, so, after that, I went to winco to buy myself some groceries, and lately I’ve put myself on a budget of $35 a week for food, which, to my surprise, I have actually been sticking to (well, last week I didn’t even grocery shop), and so I ended up getting all the groceries I needed and UNDER 35 buck-a-roos…so, at that point I was feeling pretty satisfied with myself. And, I came home tonight and put my groceries, and after that made myself some mashed potatoes out of our bag of potatoes that has been sitting around forever…nothing special, but just bare bones, butter and ‘taters…well, I threw a little garlic salt on there, and a little left over parmesan cheese packet from dominoes…I love it, I am living within my means. And I just made a big payment on my credit card, and now only have $200 left to pay off…yay!!! debt free!! (well, besides school loans…but that will come in good time)….So, now I am here, sitting by myself, writing this on my computer, listening to frank sinatra….it’s really soothing.

I am really starting to take my joy back.

I decided that I can control my moods, and whether or not I am happy or sad. It is such a choice. I can go on being miserable, or I can just stop. If I don’t want to be depressed, then I certainly don’t have to be!! I think I’ve just had to get used to being on my own again (since the whole ordeal with court & cliff-congrats!), and just getting used to the idea of being single, and there not being “another person in my life”. I am starting to really like it…it’s definitely a novelty, and I can do anything I want right now… NO STRINGS ATTACHED!!! I am tired of letting my circumstances, and everything else control how happy I am. DAMNIT!!! I am going to be happy, whether you or anyone else likes it or not. I am starting to see that I am a really great person. People like me, and I am a blessing to a lot of people. Just today, shannon said how she “wishes she was [me]” I think people look to me as someone they can depend on. Someone who’s got it all together, and who has a lot of things going for her…and it’s true. I am and do. I am really good at my job where I work, I am a talented artist, and a good friend…no, GREAT friend…and there’s nothing wrong with thinking or saying that about myself…I am really starting to like myself more and more…I have a lot to offer other people, so why hold back because of how I feel? I am going to do things, go places, and reach out to a lot of people.
And, on top of all of this, I am realizing what God thinks about me, and he thinks I’m pretty sweet too. Here’s what he said about me:

“Sarah, you are the one chosen by me (God), chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy person, My instrument to do My work and speak out for Me, to tell others of the night-and-day diference I made for you-from nothing to SOMETHING!!”
-1 Peter 2:-10
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out–plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” God’s decree.
Jeremiah 29:11-14

“Now we look inside, and what we see is that ANYONE united with the messiah gets a FRESH start, is created NEW!”
2 corinthians 5:17

Here’s what I say:
“I will sing for joy in God, EXPLODE in praise from deep in my soul! He dressed me up in a suit of salvation, he outfited me in a robe of righteousness!”
-Isaiah 61:10
“God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I’m alert to God’s ways; I don’t take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life, when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.”
Psalm 18:20-24

Well, the potatoes were good, and I am content….